" center names are so suspicious . It ’s like ok what if we gave this infant a second worse name that ’s a small bit of a secret , and it kind of has to be Marie " — @_chase _ _ _ _ _
At least 75% of Twitter this week is preoccupied with thelostsubmersibleandorca attacks, which is especially fun for people like me who don’t wish to contemplate the unfathomable depths and mysteries of the ocean.
kylie jenner was able to happen kim ’s diamond earring in the sea so i experience like we really ask to send her out there to look for this submersible
As long as you remain on dry land, make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
just unfollowed someone because she wo n’t stop posting her ugly beau , I ’m sorry you settle but I do not have to go down with this ship
2.
My 75 - year - onetime mother just informed me that she is go to her first " sex party " and does n’t know what to bring . After some awkward interrogation , I said , " Gender reveal . You ’re going to a gender reveal . "
3.
one time i was in central park and overhear a human race state he got reprimand in an online birdwatching group for posting too common of a Bronx cheer
4.
Yesterday , I spend about a good two hour cooking . I ’m in there slice , dicing , sautéing , and season up a tempest and babbbyyy when I enjoin you that shit was ass ! ! ! ! I ’m pass to go back to go out feeding me up to the professionals .
5.
just had sex that was so unsound that I almost drafted an furious group email to all of his ex girlfriends demand them if they wanna unionize
6.
the concept of “ trim your age ” is ridiculous . I ’m gon na dress like an previous beldame who swear her entire seaboard townspeople
7.
people say women are spectacular but have you ever see a man get wake up in the middle of the night
8.
imagine finding out ur bf is rip off on u cuz ur fitbits are connect and u get a notice preen u for burn 500 calories at 4 am that s INSAAAANEEEEE 💀
9.
My phone autocorrected ‘ plumber ’ to ‘ lover ’ and now i ’m not indisputable if he ’s coming for the throne ’s plumbing system or mine
10.
so we have ice ( water ) ice hockey , theatre ( world ) hockey , and air travel / table ( atmosphere ) hockey … . family line I think it is time for fire hockey
11.
Some were yelling because quantum , some because physics , and some because Princeton , I will not tell you who was who
12.
Saw this very large picture at the thrift store today , and discussion fail me.pic.twitter.com/qcVbdiXQBO
13.
Some random bit just texted me like “ Why are you call my fellow ? ” and I texted back all “ I ’m emphatically a middle geezerhood wed lesbian who only uses the phone to call my grandma . Also if your beau is cheat on you , part up with him ! ! ! This is a sign ! ”
14.
give me 30 mg adderall and some goggles and i will find the hoagie
15.
My first year of college , all the boys in my dorm were obsess with this one young lady . She was precious , but I did n’t understand the compulsion . Then , one explained that she laugh at everything any cat say . I was jealous , but I think about it long & punishing and decide … not deserving it
16.
Not me go in with a BM sample to my GP operating theater & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was bespeak by the Doctor of the Church as if I just decided to stag in a tube and turn over it in to her ? ? ? ?
17.
i feel like this whole orca uprising thing is kind of our badness for discover them killer whales . a literal " if you progress it they will come up " scenario .
18.
I ca n’t stop express joy I got humbled so hard he ’s really dare the odds over here
19.
Huge drift in nyc among female child with crinkly brown curly hair is wearing it one-half up in a scrunchie half down , half moon / croissant sort of 90s homage purse , the little 90s sunglasses , big trouser , monolithic oversized leather sports coat - specially from behind , an USA of little Elaines
20.
The story about the submarine has made me grateful for my Generalized Anxiety Disorder because I would simply , and I can not emphasise this enough , never
21.
i get it on when i come home & put on my adam sandler apparel
22.
A bit I love that has never once gotten a laugh is anytime someone enunciate “ my ex-wife wife ” I stop them and go , you intend our ex married woman
23.
the hot dog i ’m conduct care of hates the frump next door and that weenie has a fountain in his yard so if we go by a house with a water feature on our walk , he has to go inspect the yard to see if there ’s any chance his opposition could be there … . have to look up to the logic
24.
middle name are so funny . it ’s like ok what if we gave this babe a secondly high-risk name that ’s a fiddling number of a mystery ? ? and it kind of has to be marie
25.
I ’m frightened to say it too trashy , but have we culturally decide full - hindquarters panties are adept again ? I ’ve hear a few emails with links to full - stooge panties and I ’m so excited . Can we stop affect thongs are comfy ? Is the nail in that casket ?
26.
i ’m going on a cruise tomorrow and i ’ll get y’ all acknowledge if i see them , that ’s probably the best i can do
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by women last week:
These 24 Viral Tweets By Women Are So Wildly , improbably hysteric That You Wo n’t Stop smile For The Rest Of Your Days
…or the funniest tweets by women in May!
You ’ll Literally miss Your thinker Laughing At The 50 Funniest Tweets By Women Last Month
