" My girl wrote a song called ' FFF ( Fake Friends evermore ) ' and I do n’t know if I should produce it or put her in therapy . " — @itssherifield
Sometimes it feels like you’re stuck watching the same five episodes of children’s TV over and over, which is why I wholeheartedly support innovation in children’s television:
[ around the sesame street board table]it ’s time we built a large bird
And make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
told my girl that I could n’t remember the name of another dad and she said " just call him magnanimous dog , dads like that " in suit any of you expectant dogs are looking for a spirit motorcoach
2.
I love how you may make a toddler ’s Clarence Shepard Day Jr. by endue them with a grocery store receipt and say them it ’s theirs and they can keep it perpetually
3.
Nothing makes my tike become obsessed with a sport faster than me committing prison term and money for them to play a completely different sport
4.
me : a twelve is 12 , but a baker ’s dozen is 13.my 8yo : that makes sentiency because there ’s a kid at my school name Baker who ’s bad at reckon .
5.
what if babies were born exactly as drunk as their parents were when they conceived them and then just bide that style
6.
scientific discipline ca n’t explain it but when I had one kid , I could never get anything done but now that I have two child , if I only have one of them at a time , I can literally do anything .
7.
My kid draw a duck ride a spaceship.pic.twitter.com/swFRLyReSV
8.
Today the 8 year old told me she deliberately spelled a word wrong in the last round of golf of the school spelling bee because “ if you suffer you get a piece of candy , but if you gain ground you just get a boring medal ”
9.
3 : When I grow up I want a infant in my venter . Me : You ’d be such a good mum . Can I help you with your baby?3 : No . It ’s MY baby and I will take care of it . Not you . Me : * * but can I get this in writing * *
10.
" i just demand a day of rest today"-my 8 yo on his 2,920th day of doing jackshit
11.
You might think the important childhood milestone are take the air and talking , but they ’re actually things like " can be pull up stakes alone for 5 minutes , " " can fetch their own snack , " and " can puke in a receptacle rather of all over their bed . "
12.
my 8yo ’s older cousin : I catch an F in mathmy 8yo : you should ask your instructor why she gave you a letter of the alphabet for a depicted object that ’s all about numbers
13.
I made my kids rhubarb lolly and service it to them with fresh farm eggs and blueberry and you would have thought I was serving them a punch to the face
14.
I consider a corner too firmly and my daughter ’s swallow spilled and I get word her tempestuous little voice muttering in the back seat “ papa ’s powerful you drive too fast ”
15.
3 - twelvemonth - sure-enough just said " assistance , the bounder sneeze on me ! " and I see and she had covered herself in vaseline . I ’m so excited , this is such a mess but it ’s such a honest bit .
16.
My nestling were scared of flies so I told them we have a pet fly named Bub ( who is every fly ) . It was only a matter of prison term before my 6yo feel an almost - dead - but - not - quite - dead rainfly & declare that she tamed Bub & now I do n’t screw how to get my child to discontinue cradling a go fly … pic.twitter.com / lpW3eOOveL
17.
the woke depart wants your kids to suspire clean air & salute clean water . they desire your grandkids to see a actual live fish . can you believe it . disgusting
18.
We let my 5 - yr - old sample a root beer , and after he took a enceinte swig , he yelled , “ Oh my gosh , I can feel myself move around into a gentleman’s gentleman ! ”
19.
My girl wrote a strain called fff ( fake Friend forever ) and I do n’t know if I should give rise it or put her in therapy .
20.
My Word is getting more originative with reasons why he ’s tardy for school as it get close to the end of the year . For exemplar , today he could n’t get up on sentence as his “ ballock hurt . ”
21.
dad will buy a Roomba to save an minute to vaccum and then expend two hours star at Roomba vaccum
22.
This piffling son got in my auto with the small fry and I take over it was one of their acquaintance . I ask his name and introduce myself . He gets out of the automobile and my kids say “ I do n’t fuck that male child . I guess he just want a drive ” . 💀 💀 💀
23.
My daughter just told me “ second grade is such total drama , everybody is breaking up with everybody and crushing on everybody and push with everybody and there ’s so much crying and friends , I ’m really gon na miss it ”
24.
As a Los Angeles baby-sitter I have come across children ’s natal day parties that would make Bernie Sanders vote down himself
25.
yesterday kiddo woke up from his Napoleon crying , then fall asleep on me while we rocked on his chair . when he woke up again he say " count the mommies , " first pointed to the corner in the night , said " one ! " and then at me and pronounce " two ! " so that ’s been on my mind a bit
26.
I experience , I ’ll just allow my nestling watch television this dawn and that way I ’ll have sentence to get some study done ! annnnd nope I ’ve spent 27 minute trying to get the episode of Peppa Pig where George wo n’t eat his carrots .
27.
Sorry , stay at home base moms and dads , but parenting is NOT a job . you’re able to get fired from a job , and despite my rank daily parenting fail , I have n’t even grapple to get suspended for the good afternoon .
28.
“ Why would I pee into the gutter when there ’s a absolutely adept floor and bulwark flop next to it?”- My sons , believably
29.
My favourite part of the school year is when the schooltime supplies I had to madly bribe at the beginning of the year , come home unused at the end of the year
30.
Cleaning my bathroom this good afternoon while both kid nap ( ! ! ) and am let off to happen there are no boxes of classified national security system document in the exhibitor . Whew ! Whomst among us though am I correct
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by parents last week:
30 Hysterical Parenting Tweets That Made Me Positively Cackle
…or the funniest tweets by parents in May!
You ’ll Actually , Literally Pass off From express mirth At The 50 Funniest Tweets By Parents Last calendar month
