" I ’m at my most most generative in that windowpane between when I ’ve drop my small fry with a stomach ache at shoal and the phone call to pick her back up . " — @IHideFromMyKids
One of the fun things about parenthood is it’s filled with dozens of misunderstandings every single day, which is why it feels right that everyone collectively decided to misunderstand “Isn’t She Lovely” on such a basic level:
Stevie Wonder : “ Is n’t she lovely ” is about the birth of my youngster . Us : This is a wedding song .
And make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
If by red-hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my railway car in 90 degree atmospheric condition looking for the sippy cup that roll away then yes I do red-hot yoga
2.
My 5yo niece wanted to know what testicle think … after some laughing and inquiring , impossible was the word she was looking for .
3.
My 3yo was afraid of bee and my reassurance that they wo n’t suffer her did n’t facilitate . But then her 7yo brother , without looking up from belt down Roblox zombies , read " the bee gather around you because you ’re odorous like a bloom " and now she ’s not afraid of bees .
4.
I ’m at my most most fertile in that windowpane between when I ’ve dropped my tyke with a stomach ache at shoal and the phone call to pick her back up .
5.
When my honest-to-goodness kid was a baby and never sleep masses would always say “ it means he ’s smart , the voguish ones do n’t kip ” but I can order they were just dwell to make me sense better now bc my unexampled child catch some Z’s really well and nobody has been like “ oh sorry you pay off a dummy ”
6.
I have one minor who freaks out if his tortilla chips get anywhere near his drinking chocolate pud , and one child who uses his pud as a chip inclination .
7.
I ’m chaperone an intact degree of 14yo ’s to an amusement ballpark today and by chaperoning I think I ’m gon na go outta my way to make their animation miserable . Fun !
8.
“ I love you dearest please forgive me”- Me to my 3 yo , after serving Safari pasta when she want Dino pasta
9.
Fashion designers : What do you want?Girls : To look like nothing like our mommy . manner architect : I acknowledge , try mom jeans .
10.
At my honest-to-god job , you could volunteer to read to a 1st grader every Wednesday . My pardner was a lil son who LIED SO MUCH . the prevarication were so amazing . I just wanted him to talk . I hated that we had to read 😩 😅 One sidereal day , he evidence me that he slumber standing upside down on the roof .
11.
Me as a new parent : my child will not eat off the floorMe as a seasoned parent : when the toddler pink over a full cartonful of organic razzing , the whole household is eating off the floor
12.
First baby naptime : keep apart in bassinet in curtained bedroom , white noise , telecasting monitoring , tiptoe , whispersSecond sister naptime : pack - n - play in day - lit living room , effusive Thomas the Tank Engine LARPing 5 foot away , Mr. Rogers learns about melodic instrument on the TV
13.
I was being very creditworthy and tell Theo about Pride and all the hoi polloi he knows and loves who are LGBTQ+ and he sort of nodded and said : “ Who do l know who is NOT gay ? Just our family ? ”
14.
My 12yo decided to take up fisticuffs and her flight simulator was like " she instinctually leans in after a punch instead of backing away ! " My kid !
15.
My four class old calls them bubble bee because they have house of cards butts . No one correct her
16.
BIG BIG CHICKENpic.twitter.com/Edo9TMuYo4
17.
My niece come home with a hicky and her parent asked me to verbalise to her because COOL AUNT 🦸 🏽 ♀ ️ ( that ’s 31 with a 15 twelvemonth old 😅 ) Why I text her “ heyyyyy Hicki Minaj 🌝 ” Maybe I ’m emotionally stunted because there ’s no reason to dally this much 😭
18.
I was a wallflower in school because I was shy and now I ’m a wallflower as a parent because no one listens when I verbalise
19.
My 5yo told me he ’s carrying coin in his pocket in suit he runs into any guys he has to pay , and now I have questions
20.
I gave 10 a fact about something over dinner and he did n’t really believe me . He then sound out " am I supposed to think you suddenly got smart ? ? " . Like , what the hell man I do n’t have to take this abuse .
21.
7 : “ I know why pee is yellow . Because you have to squeeze to get pee out , like a stinker . ”
22.
The great thing about having three immature kids is that you ’re never lonely at midnight , or 1 am , or 2 am , or 3 am …
23.
Sorry those with genuine problems but I accidentally swap the small fry ' lunches today so if you need me I ’ll be figure them into heartbreak guidance .
24.
In an endeavor to be a playfulness summer mommy ( I do n’t think it ’s work ) , I buy the kids kit for stitch their own stuffies . My Logos is ( I am ) tailor-make a penguin . My daughter is ( I am ) sewing a llama . Everything is going well ( it ’s a hot peck and we never want to sew again ) .
25.
On tonight ’s episode of regrettable parenting determination , I countenance my 1yo declare his new soup-strainer while I changed his diaper , and he peed on it .
26.
Asking a blatantly tired toddler if they are tired is deep unsavoury in their culture
27.
No oneMy son : if Captain America were renew as a shirt he ’d be Sleeve Rogers
28.
One thing about parenthood is that you ’re going to pick spaghetti sauce off of wall in room where nobody has ever eaten spaghetti .
29.
My kid stir up up in the center of the night because he was * check musical note * too threadbare to sleep
30.
The thing about having a baby and bambino is every prison term you socialise it ’s like being blackout intoxicated . You ’re like “ I think I remember eat up Cheetos then do sure someone did n’t run into the street and then hold someone who passed out , but that ’s it ”
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by parents in May:
25 screaming Parents Who Pulled perfectly No Punches On Twitter
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" I Wanna Pull Your orb Out And Look Through Them " : Parents Are Sharing The Most mad Thing Their Kids Said With Zero Elaboration
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