" I figure out halfway through , and by then , I adjudicate to exit with this secret . "
Reddit useru/spinx248recently posed thequestion: “What’s a secret you’ll never tell your spouse or S.O.?” The thread quickly filled with hundreds of grand reveals — some truly hysterical, and others absolutely devastating. Here’s what people shared:
1.“My girlfriend is an arachnophobe and would refuse to go upstairs to go to bed because there was a ‘gigantic’ spider near the stairs (it was pretty big, TBH). I tried to catch it, but it escaped and hid. She was prepared to sleep in the car because she was absolutely terrified and wouldn’t come back inside the house until I killed the spider. I sat there for an hour waiting for it to come back out, but it didn’t. I was very tired and just wanted to go to bed, so I photoshopped a picture of a dead spider on a fly swatter and showed it to her saying I killed and threw it out when, in fact, I never did. To this day, the spider is probably still chilling there and living his best life. I’m definitely taking this one to the grave. Glad my Photoshop skills came in handy.”
— u / My_Name_Is_Jeff_21
2.“Early on in our relationship, I made breakfast for my then-girlfriend and her kids using some pancake mix she had in the pantry. After making the pancakes and serving them, I went to mix up a little more to make mine, and I realized there were some maggots in the dry mix. They were pretty much done eating and kept telling me how good they were, so I decided that ignorance was better than telling them. Taking that one to my grave.”
— u / camafu
3.“I spent the night at his place the first day I met him, and he ended up drinking too much. In the middle of the night, he got up, walked to the foot of the bed, and peed all over my feet. Then, he walked to the kitchen and tried to pee in the sink, but he must have missed because I heard him get paper towels and wipe the floor. Then, he came back to bed like nothing happened. Didn’t remember it in the morning. I know he’d be humiliated if he found out, so I’m just gonna keep this one tucked away in my brain.”
— u / ColoradoBlueSky
4.“I’m actually the one who ran into the mailbox and knocked it over. I didn’t get a chance to tell him because I was running late to work. He assumed it was the mailman, and I never corrected him. Now, every time he sees the mailman, he says, ‘I hope he doesn’t hit the mailbox again!'”
— u / Krystalinhell
5.“Remember when we were engaged and visited your mom in the hospital, and she let out a fart so rank that your eyes watered and we still talk about it 20 years later? That was me.”
— u / Sarah - JessicaSnarker
6.“I took a poo in a garbage bag in the middle of the kitchen because she took too long in the shower once.”
— u / magickpendejo
7.“I’m pretty sure her sister is my dream woman.”
— uracil / HappyAtheist3
8.“He is the first person I kissed and ever had sex with. He has been with over 100 people, and back when we first started dating, I asked if someone could have a wrong number/slept with too many people, and he said the only wrong number was zero. Naturally, I then lied and told him I had been with three people. He knew I hadn’t really had a serious relationship beforehand. It was never brought up again, and I never owned up to the white lie. At this point, I guess I’m taking this one to my grave.”
— u / InterestingCategory
9.“Every paycheck, I take out $25 to $30 in small bills and slip some bills into her pockets while I’m folding laundry. Money is tight, and it’s the source of a lot of anxiety for her, so to see how excited/relieved she gets when she finds it makes me happy.”
— u / kingmagog
10.“Sometimes, I fake migraines to get out of events with his family.”
— uracil / broker - assbutt
11.“That I pooped in the ocean while snorkeling off of Hawaii. That was the reason for all the beautiful fish swarming around us all of a sudden. Yes, indeed, it was magical.”
— uracil / Grokker999
12.“My mother-in-law came to visit us, and she and my wife were home when I arrived home from work. Apparently, her mother was not feeling well because she was taking her temperature. When I looked in the medicine cabinet, I realized that the oral thermometer was still in the cupboard and the anal thermometer for my son was missing. They look very similar, and I suggested to my wife that we needed to mark one so no mishaps would ever occur. My wife told me that I was being ridiculous, so I didn’t because I know the difference between the two, but oh well!”
— u / rastroboy
13.“That I kinda really want some big surprise/romantic gesture — something really thoughtful and maybe even cheesy, even if I know they’re not into that themselves really. I am, and it would be nice. I don’t want to ask for it outright, though, because I know it’s not their thing, and I don’t want them to feel forced. I get shown love in other ways, and I’m still happy with that.”
— u / jarofonions
14.“That one time when we went camping for three nights, I left the garden hose on at home, full-blast, and we got a $700 water bill.”
— u / poppinwheelies
15.“One time, I thought I locked my keys in the car (they were in my pocket). Yep. I figured out halfway through, and by then, I decided to die with this secret. Sometimes, I detach the ignition key off my huge keychain to make it easier, and I peeked through my car window, saw the keychain, and didn’t even check my pockets. I just assumed I left all my keys in the locked car. Stupid. We had to walk two miles to her friend’s job up a hill on a super cold, windy day, in, like, flip-flops and definitely not suitable clothing. Then, we got a super awkward drive to her house from her friend, then we had to drive 30 minutes to my house, get my keys, go back, and give the friend some gas money. It took us, like, two hours, and we were both exhausted and wanted to go home. Then, of course, I had to drive back and drop her off, then get gas and then go home…LOL.”
— uracil / torquemycork
16.“I saw on the call display that the jewelry store was calling. I let him answer it. He immediately left to ‘run an errand,’ then came home and took me out skating, where he romantically proposed on a frozen pond under a floodlight on a February evening. We’ll be married 20 years this year. I can’t tell him I knew the whole time. I just can’t.”
— u/_OptimistPrime _
17.“I love my best friend, and I’m pretty sure she loves me, too. She’s married, and I’m with someone. We don’t act on it, but there is that pain there. I’m reminded every time we visit each other. 16 years, waiting, pretending, moving on with the lives we have chosen. We can’t talk freely, though. Her husband is the jealous type, and I could never tear her away from her family and home. I also could never provide for her like she needs. Perhaps it’s a teenage love long lost, and as adults, we really should move on. I miss her, but I do my best to ignore that feeling.”
— uracil / itis_what_itisnt
18.“I (male) got drunk and slept with her brother.”
— uranium / uncommitted - Rice4475
19.“I’ll never fully trust my S.O. I love him and would never leave him over it, and I’ll never let him know I don’t trust him. He cheated on his wife when he was younger. I know when you’re young, stuff happens. You’re not ready. He was in the military, it’s common there, etc. etc. But, I don’t want him having female friends. I’m suspicious when he mentions female coworkers, and I’ll always be that way, secretly. But, it’s my insecurity. He’s been totally honest and has never done anything to lose my trust, so I keep it to myself.”
— atomic number 92 / TracksuitBear
20.“That I will never forgive her for forgetting my birthday three years in a row. I lied and told her that I understood that she was very busy and that it wasn’t a big deal. But, it broke my heart.”
— uranium / azureskull
21.“That her mother, my mother-in-law, really is a selfish, ignorant, pig-headed, helpless drain on me, her, our children, our finances, and our life in general. I am working very hard at pretending she isn’t because I love my wife so much. It’s been 35 years. It hasn’t gotten easier.”
— atomic number 92 / the_truth_is_tough
22.“That I won the 85” TV in our living room through a raffle at a strip club, not from a raffle at work. I had just started a new job in a new town away from my family and decided to visit a strip club. I ended up winning a TV, but didn’t want to reveal that I was at a strip club my first week. We still really enjoy the TV."
— u / EpicGibs
23.“That I chipped our wonderful granite quartz counter (that he picked out) and filled it with white putty. I will take this to my grave.”
— u / Arrowings
24.“Remember that emotionally and sexually charged night we spent sharing a bed, drinking, and talking all night? I didn’t keep getting up to pee. I kept getting up to have intense diarrhea.”
— u / retromortem
25.“That the ‘brand name’ Zyrtec I give her is actually generic pills in a Zyrtec bottle. She refuses to take generic and says only brand names work. Well, we save a lot of money this way, and she’s never complained.”
— u / wsb - SUCKS - ByeBye
26.“That I know about their emotional affair. I know what was said, and I know how minuscule it makes me feel now in my day-to-day life.”
— uracil / Ok - Disaster-5892
27.“I knocked the TV off the IKEA Kallax shelf. I was walking quickly with the laundry basket half on my hip and knocked into the shelf. The TV came tumbling down and landed upside down on some shoes. I guess the shoes cushioned the fall, because the TV works perfectly. My husband has told me a thousand times to slow down so I won’t bump into things, which I do often. I will never tell him that the TV fell from five feet, and it was totally my fault. I also accidentally popped a leg off of my mother-in-law’s antique Queen Anne-style vanity/dressing table. It has seven other legs, and I wedged it back in place. No one knows or will ever know.”
— u / kitty_in_the_city
28.“I donated sperm about 22 times in college and opted for the possibility to be contacted when they turn 18. I definitely have kids out there somewhere.”
— u / MeatyOakerGuy
29.“I’m the one who calls her every year and sings her ‘Happy Birthday’ in a funny voice. If she’s figured it out, she’d probably say that’s what she’ll never tell me.”
— u / jamesflies
30.“My boyfriend didn’t do anything for my 30th birthday, even though months beforehand, he offered to plan something for me. Instead, I spent the whole day crying and by myself. He knows I have a difficult relationship with my birthday, so he offered to plan something, and then he got busy and forgot. He doesn’t like birthdays himself and truly does forget about them. He forgets the birthdays of all his family members. But, it still makes me sad because I had been excited that he wanted to make it special, and then forgot.”
— u / YoursFeathery
31.And: “He’s not my soulmate. He’s my best friend, and I love him, but I know he’s not my soulmate; I just know. It doesn’t make a difference. I’m still committed to our marriage and our family.”
— uranium / Notmyname360
take note : entry have been edited for length and/or clearness .
