" My girl tell the mess in my jeans make me wait scruffy and I ’m confused because I do n’t think of give birth to my female parent " — @Lottie_Poppie
If any of you plan on hosting or attending a gender reveal party any time soon, follow these two very important rules: 1.) don’t involve fire in any way, and 2.) do not, under any circumstances, call it a “sex party.”
My 75 - year - old mother just informed me that she is proceed to her first " gender party " and does n’t cognise what to bring . After some awkward questions , I said , " Gender reveal . You ’re going to a sexuality reveal . "
And make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
has anyone essay telling their mom they could n’t find the titanic submarine so she can line up it instantly and say it was in front of our faces the whole time ?
2.
Some news : tonight , in a torturing moment of ego - sabotage , I introduced my Kid to Mambo No . 5
3.
Okay , so my 6 - class old sings when he ’s pooping . Top of his lungs , usually songs he makes up , almost always w / the door widely open . Yesterday on our flight from Paris , he had to go , so he shout - serenaded passengers w / an original melodic line for 10 minutes ( door closed ) . It was magnificent .
4.
just watched my toddler plunge a drawing string cheese into strawberry yogurt and eat it , then chug 8 oz of whole Milk River . a real Dairy Queen
5.
Discovered my 6yo has been challenge my work colleagues to countersign with supporter on my account and she solely plays with " fart " " poop " and " butt joint " words … so it appear as though 𝙄 solely play with " fart " " poop " and " butt " discussion 😬
6.
“ I ca n’t get up because I ’m sitting down . ”-3 , explain why she could n’t do what I postulate her to do , while simultaneously becoming my life coach
7.
Place to pet your WWE backup beltpic.twitter.com/7vIefz8DI1
8.
a mommy - friend ’s 6yo just recede his first tooth and my 6yo just lost her fifth tooth and for 𝘯𝘰 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘴𝘰𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 I feel a little bit superior
9.
My daughter said the jam in my jeans make me search scruffy and I ’m confused because I do n’t remember apply parentage to my mother
10.
5yo : What ’s Romeo and Juliet?Me : Well , it ’s a account about two multitude who fall in erotic love , and … [2 parents , both English prof , one a Shakespearean , give a longsighted and geezerhood - out or keeping synopsis]5yo : Wow . Me : Yeah . It ’s sad.5yo : Yeah . I ca n’t believe they precipitate in LAVA !
11.
All I ask this Father ’s Day is that my family link me alfresco on the lawn to admire the mow lines together
12.
signalise our 6yo up for tae kwon do so now he can beat up his brother more efficiently
13.
One time I turned the corner to hear my kids articulate , “ Are you become to hazard to run into him lightly with the spoonful or should I?”I still question what game they were make for .
14.
My son set up up a lemonade stand and he ’s sit there with a pokemon chapeau and all his customer are all dudes in trucks who keep fee him and calling him " my valet de chambre " 😭
15.
- title of respect of the picture show kill up on the scree … My Kyd : Mommy what ’s happening next ?
16.
My kidskin have n’t yet calculate out that my wife and I ca n’t really leave the house without them if they ’re adopt too farseeing to get quick , and it will be a very dark twenty-four hour period when they do .
17.
My Word just got really into Steve Irwin via Youtube clips about crocs and komodo dragons and for some fucking weird reasonableness I make up one’s mind to tell him he ’s deadened ? Killed by a stingray to the heart ? What variety of person am I
18.
My boy just said , “ right money we ever spent ! ” after I pulled down the railroad car windshield sunshade and some snowy New Balance sneakers just magically appear on his foot
19.
jade my hair down and my kid told me I looked like Ken from Street Fighter so now I have to google that to see if it was a compliment
20.
Before I had a baby I read an AITA where a husband was involve if his wife was the asshole bc , overwhelmed , she handed him the baby during an important Zoom merging , got into her car and drive away for 3 hours and at the time I was like " yes " and now I ’m like " a hero " .
21.
Told my daughter she has to add dusting to her task to help oneself me out and she said “ joke ’s on you because you still have to do it when you show me how ” and I detest it here
22.
If you want to express joy so hard your face hurts , you could either roll the dice at a comedy baseball club , or for a sure thing , watch preschoolers play their first association football scrimmage .
23.
Dads are required to say “ That ’s a fine looking auto ” whenever they go past a courteous car
24.
Friend : What are you up to this week?Me : Well I take my Thomas Kid to the shaver ’s museum over the weekend so I assume I ’ll be battling a family - wide pest .
25.
“ Mama . I have bad news . I pledge too much water and now I have a tummy ache . ”-my son after use up 4 cooky
26.
After a farseeing day I crawled into bed with my 5 year old and ask him for cuddles , he give me a sweet smile before rolling over and farting in my face .
27.
I was play Doctor of the Church with my 2yo and he just repeatedly hit me with a automatic pound then give me a shot in the forehead so someone should probably lift his license
28.
I love mommy are n’t supposed to have pet but my Alexa goes to sleep the first time I require , so I ’m just sayin ’
29.
My 6yo allege he did n’t care me any longer and I thought it was because I told him it ’s bedtime but he claims it ’s because I ’m “ too stinky ”
30.
You ’re just go to pull the Thomas multiverse aside from this menage ? ? ? ? ? Even Toby ? ? ? Even Nia ? ? ? EVEN SIR TOPHAM HAT ? ?
31.
My kid : Mom , you need to relax . Also my kids : pic.twitter.com / NW1OQoudBS
32.
My tiddler told me I bank too much so I promised to contain suppose fuck but like 3 minutes afterward I said fuck and then I tell nookie I just said fuck so you’re able to see this is turn out to be difficult than I expected
Don’t miss the funniest tweets by parents last week:
30 Hilarious Moms And Dads Who Tweeted Their Way Through Another Looooooong hebdomad Of parentage
…or the funniest tweets by parents in May!
You ’ll in reality , Literally Pass Away From Laughing At The 50 Funniest Tweets By parent Last Month
