" It was made very percipient , and now somehow I ’ve still been left with both of our kids , and he ’s not offering any support whatsoever . "

TikTok user and mother of two,@momupdate2021(or Mom Update, for short) recentlywent viralfor sharing how she essentially became a single parent after her husband proved he wasn’t equipped to take care of their children, even though he’s the one who pushed for them to have kids in the first place.

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In thevideo, Mom Update explains, “I told [my husband] I do not want to have children, I never wanted to have children my entire life. …I have 17 nieces and nephews, I was like, that’s enough. I love being an auntie.”

While Mom Update never felt a maternal pull to have children, her husband told her it was a “dealbreaker” for him.

So, as a compromise, Mom Update agreed that they could start a family under the condition that she would be the working parent and her husband would be a stay-at-home dad, “which means grocery shopping, cleaning, taking care of the kids,” she says in the video.

But not too long after, Mom Update’s husband started to show his true colors. “I went back to work in October, and he quickly showed that he couldn’t manage it.”

As a result, Mom Update hired a nanny to help ease the burden on her husband and make sure their kids got the care they needed, but her husband couldn’t even handlethat. “He couldn’t cope with a nanny being with him in the house…he’s basically disappearing, and this girl is like, ‘where is he? He’s nowhere to be found.'”

Things finally came to a head when the nanny had to leave one night, and Mom Update’s husband put their kids in danger. “My kids were outside, and he was locked in our bedroom, and the kids were running around outside at night. I was livid.”

After that, Mom Update kicked her husband out and is now raising their children on her own. “I just find it really unfair that this man knows all this about me,” she concludes in the video. “It was made very clear, and now somehow I’ve still been left with both of our kids, and he’s not offering any support whatsoever.”

Others chimed in with their thoughts on “compromising” when it comes to having kids:

BuzzFeed reached out to Mom Update, who said that although she’s always loved children, she “never wanted to cause other people emotional damage due to my passions and goals in life. I did not want children because I had ambitions of a grandiose career for myself. I was scared that I would be like my adopted mother and make my children feel like they are not important to me, or they would have to compete for my attention.”

She continued, “My husband always wanted a family. I made the mistake of not asking him why he wanted children. I assumed and didn’t ask enough of the tough questions, like, what would you do if you had to raise them alone? What would you do if I no longer wanted to be involved? I blindly chased love and believed he would do what he said he would do.”

In terms of their compromise, Mom Update shared that her husband was “thrilled” at first about the idea of being a stay-at-home parent. “It was easy, I love children and knew I would be a great mother. But I didn’t know he was incapable of being a father and a caretaker.”

Although her husband showed her he wasn’t capable “nearly immediately after having [their first child],” Mom Update told BuzzFeed that she assumed it was a learning curve on top of the fact that they were dealing with a global pandemic. “I was home for the first few years with the girls. I breastfed so it was easy for him. I instinctively took over when he was getting overwhelmed. I thought that was being a team. I should have let him work through the struggle.”

Despite being very,veryupsetting and unfair, Mom Update’s situation is nothing new. Women have faced societal pressure to have children fordecades, and according to a2022 surveyby YouGov, 37% agreed that women face pressure to have kids, while only 17% agreed that men face the same kind of pressure. Even more frustrating, a2022 studyconducted by the University of Bath found that moms still take on most of the housework and household management even if they’re the primary breadwinners in the family.

“I understand it,” Mom Update told BuzzFeed when discussing the pressure placed on women to have kids, “but in our world, it’s not practical to have children. The way the world is going, so many people are so isolated and feel they have to do everything alone, but when you have children a community is so important. I was born in a village in Ethiopia, and the ability to have so much support and love from the village is what keeps people happy. Depression is an epidemic in the West because of isolationism and the idea we have to do it all alone. It’s not true. We need to rally friends, new parents, single mothers, and our neighbors so we stop the toxic do-it-yourself mentality.”

Ultimately, Mom Update does not regret having children. “I love them more than anyone could ever know. They are my new drive to work hard and level up in life. … I have a plan and am working hard towards it, but now I have a why.”

But she ultimately shared her video on TikTok because she “needed other women to hear what it’s actually like. … I don’t want other women to be convinced or pressured to have children. It’s a life-long decision and if you have any hesitation, I would say don’t do it.”

When asked what she’d say to anyone who may be feeling unwanted pressure to have children, she responded, “Don’t ever let someone tell you what you should or shouldn’t be doing with your body and your life. They will never be around when you need them and their help, so why should they get so much power over your life choices? People lie all the time and say, ‘I will help you the whole way’ Where are they after the first week, post-arrival of the baby?”

For more of Mom Update’s content on parenting, you can follow her onTikTok.