" I remember finger so scared that my parent would find out out , and I ’d have full - blown affright attack whenever they came near my sketchbook or daybook , in fear that they would discover out . "
Recently, we asked folks who identified as LGBTQIA+ to share their experiences of growing up in straight families, whether they were out or not. The responses received were brave and heartfelt, while some showed that we, as a society, still have a long way to go in terms of acceptance, appreciation, and, ultimately, love for our queer brothers and sisters. Here are their stories:
observe : Some submissions contain acknowledgment of vilification and molestation . Please proceed with caution .
1.“I’m still growing up and live with my parents. I’m the only person who is not straight. I came out at the age of 12, after knowing I liked girls for a couple of years by then. They took it well, my mom did. It took my dad around a year to understand. It can be hard at times whenever I like a guy, then they approve of him more than they would with a girl. They have been supportive of me and [my] choices, and that’s the best thing I could have asked for.”
— Reabear
2.“Closeted until the day I left for uni — let’s say I didn’t hear from my parents until I came home for Christmas.”
— Justice . For . Romanoff1
3.“I came out when I was 14, shortly after Ellen’s famous coming out episode gave me a word for what I am, and my teen years were pretty miserable from there. My mom had an in-home daycare and told me that if my ‘choice’ became the reason she lost clients, I’d be out of the house and family (despite my older brother having molested a kid four years earlier and never being threatened about her losing her business). My dad mostly ignored me because he said he wouldn’t have a gay daughter, and my mom became obsessed with me having sex with boys.”
" She go as far as getting me a young man on her own and buy condoms for him , telling him I ’d have sex with him . opine his surprisal when he learned this was not ever going to happen . Eventually , I gave up try out to survive as anyone but a shell of myself at home . Oddly , I never hat being gay or hated myself for being gay despite my parents ' good sweat .
I hat the soul I had to be around them to be cover like a man . I ’m 40 now , and my mom does the ' Oh , that never befall ' when I wreak up how they treated me when I was young . I ’ve since come out as nonbinary to everyone but my parents because I learned long ago they will only accept the shell version of me , so I just do n’t sample any longer . Our kinship is one of small lecture and fake pleasantries , and it will be until they can admit to and rationalise for how they treat me when I postulate parent . "
— Anonymous
4.“I came out at 15, and although I didn’t have a homophobic family, I remember my mum always spending ages in my sister’s room at night talking about her boyfriends or guys she fancied. Same at dinner, etc. Then, she’d just come into my room and say goodnight. It made me sad to know that if I was into girls, she would probably ask me about them just as much.”
5.“I’m still growing up. My parents will always use he/him for potential partners (I’m a lesbian), and my father once cornered me and said even if I was ‘that thing,’ I shouldn’t go ‘flaunting it.'”
— Katelyn VerHelst
6.“I’m the oldest, with a younger sister and younger brother. I’m a cis lesbian. My dad is very traditional, but somehow, once I came out, it was perfectly acceptable for me to finish sitting at the table with ‘the men’ while my younger sister and stepmom clean. You’d think it would be the job of the older sister to set those standards, but once I came out, I became one of the boys??? So weird. Also, everyone should pick up after themselves, regardless of gender or sexual identity.”
— mahoneysommer
7.“Told that I was the product of Satan and not allowed to be trans…but I am trans!”
8.“As a kid, I was always the ‘tomboy’ daughter. Some of it was dismissed as being a very outdoorsy little girl. But as I grew and got more choices on how I expressed myself, my mother especially held on to the girlishness she could keep in me. When my sister moved into a less girly but still feminine presentation, everything was about finding clothes that she liked. When I moved into a more masculine-presenting direction, suddenly every article of clothing my mom picked out was hyper feminine. When my sister cut her hair short, it was all about how cute it looked. When I cut my hair less than an inch shorter than that, the narrative was, ‘How can we make this look feminine?’ People are fine with less feminine daughters. But if you push the line a little too far, they throw every pink lacy thing at you in an overcorrection for the swerve.”
9.“So, I’m bi. I come from a conservative family. I was terrified that I might be lesbian (in the beginning of my LGBTQ+ journey) and cried myself to sleep many nights. I later discovered my bisexuality, and I’ve been scared ever since of my parents finding out. For context, my mom once said, ‘Gay people are the problems of society,’ and my dad said, ‘Gays should be in hell.’ I, obviously, haven’t come out to my family, but I have to friends.”
" Anyway , my natal day is this month on the twenty-eighth ( yes , I was born on Pride Day ) , and I plan to wear the colors of the bi masthead ( my parent wo n’t know ! ) "
10.“I’ve moved out from my parents’ house and live with my partner. My mom asked me if me and my partner would go on a family trip with her, my dad, my brothers, and their girlfriends. Then she asked if my partner would be offended if she asked to get a photo with everyone but them, because if my partner was in the photo, it couldn’t be posted. This is years after I first came out when she tried to convince me to marry my friend who is a gay man and just pretend to be together for pictures.”
— Emma Spearing
11.“I came out to my parents at age 19. My parents asked that I not share my gayness with anyone. Yet, they outed me to my sister two years later, who then confessed she was a lesbian. My parents realized that nothing had changed with their children. We were the same people they had always known. They never withheld their love. And embraced our partners with the same love.”
13.“I grew up in a very conservative, very Christian household (my dad was a Christian pastor). And I was the youngest of three daughters. I remember feeling so scared that my parents would find out, and I’d have full-blown panic attacks whenever they came near my sketchbook or journal, in fear that they would find out. One day, in the sixth grade, my parents found a drawing I made of two girls kissing. My mom cried, and my dad pulled out the Bible. They sent me to therapy a few months later so I could show my therapist the drawings I had made. Joke’s on them; my therapist was fully supportive. After that, nothing much happened except for a lot of ‘You can tell me anything’ and ‘I know you have some…issues…’ But I will never forget the day my mom told me, ‘One day, I will see you walk down the aisle to marry a man, and I will be so proud of you.’ To this day, I’m still afraid to admit to her that that day will never come, and it haunts me.”
14.“I use she/her pronouns, my gender identify is female, and my sexuality is bisexual. Growing up I didn’t have many visible queer family members that I was close to or knew. I had heard of tia or prima who was lesbiana, but that was it. My family is Mexican American from a small town in west Texas. I grew up in Austin, so I had a little bit more comfortability showing up as a queer person in public spaces. My mom worked for a gyno most of my life, so she instilled a lot of freedom in me, and we really never had a conversation about sexuality. I grew up with a younger cousin, and we very much shared early on that we were somewhere on the queer spectrum. Up until I was 31, I had not had an official girlfriend but had dated [or had] sexual experiences with girls in the brief times that I was single.”
" I mostly dated mankind and was in a 12 - class relationship with a man . I did n’t really ' come out ' to my family unit . I just fetch my girlfriend around and announced her as such . I had some doubtfulness and have corrected some category members about the use of the word gay and relationships title . Other than those few moments , I have been so rosy to have had a supportive family and Friend who never judge or query . I ca n’t say if my family had been more connected to the queer biotic community if I would have had more queer experiences or if I would have had a unlike experience of ' coming out , ' but I will share that I have experienced more negative things from the families of the Latinx / tocopherol nance tribe I have dated . "
15.“It was difficult for me to accept myself before I was able to come out to my family. Although my family is loving and accepting of myself and any partner I have, it can be hard to just have that same understanding when it comes to relationships.”
You’ve heard their stories, now it’s time to share yours (if you’re comfortable doing so!). Feel free to comment your experience of growing up queer below (or use thisGoogle formif you want to be anonymous), and maybe we’ll do a second round!
Looking for more ways to get involved?Check out all of BuzzFeed’s posts celebrating Pride 2023.
If you or someone you know has experience intimate assault , you’re able to call theNational Sexual Assault Hotlineat 1 - 800 - 656 - HOPE , which gouge the caller to their close sexual rape serve supplier . you may also search for your local centerhere .
