" My coworker asked me what ’s wrong as if we do n’t work at the same place . " — @mommajessiec

Donald Trump was chargedwith federal crimes this week, and I’m completely obsessed with the nuclear stupidity of our national conversation, where weirdos try to justify keeping classified documents next to ashower— famously not an ideal place to keep important papers of any kind.

does the pulitzer have a category for excellence in bulleted inclination because I have a nomination to submitpic.twitter.com/Y6zfh443ij

Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!

1.

I go to the doctor yesterday . Because " was attack by geese " is on my aesculapian record , first question every time from both nurse & doctor is , " Any more trouble with zany ? "

2.

just remembered how a guy rope I knew from * * christian youth theater * * afterward took an Asiatic womanhood to a 1st escort at an Asiatic eating house , went to the toilet , then came back & could n’t remember which was his engagement . endure in the eating house flummoxed hoping someone would roll at him 💀

3.

i wish they sold off - stain machine ill get me a damn Honder

4.

at a bibimbap place and a immature guy next to me just said “ I ’ve really draw a blank how to habituate fork because I spent so long in Japan ” to his date do I say something do I save her

5.

in the club naming 5 things i can see 4 things i can finger 3 things i can pick up 2 things i can smell and 1 matter i can taste

6.

I ’m in a weird 2nd hand finds group on Facebook and this woman has the ACTUAL FALKOR FROM NEVER ENDING STORY IN HER GARAGE.pic.twitter.com/X0lk2pFmel

7.

My pa has been on my hometown ’s parks and rec committee for 15 eld and from the minute I landed he has n’t asked me a single question he just wo n’t stop ranting about this geese problem at the local swimming pool like the goose are know Al Qaeda

8.

with the amount of anxiousness i have waiting for the maintenance man , you ’d think he was coming over to kill me for athletics not fix my oven

9.

I do n’t conceive it will be intentional , but I do conceive that somehow one day Lea Michele will die by Barbra Streisand ’s hand .

10.

Hot tip for dog owners : Be on the lookout station for " whale eyes . " If your dog has whale optic , this is speculative SIGN . That is not your dog , it is a hulk pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

11.

love him for hashtagging all he movies he ’s been in where someone is gaypic.twitter.com/L72xhhERQo

12.

haha sent my husband once to collect something but forgot to tell him what it was , so he knocked on the room access and was like " so what have you got for me ? "

13.

As a Los Angeles babysitter I have witness children ’s birthday company that would make Bernie Sanders kill himself

14.

It ’s wild that the Medici are still around like people on this website think you have generational wealthiness if your menage had two telly and meanwhile there ’s multitude out there whose ancestors are playable in civ

15.

My dad was question someone for a business and their sketch listed he / they pronouns , so my dad asked me which he should use . I excuse some of the nicety but told him basically either will be fine . Two day later he barges into my room yelling “ my he / they flaked on me ! ”

16.

My soundbox : in an of import meetingMy genius : The newt playact the flute the carp play the harp the Pleuronectes platessa play the bass and they sounding sharp

17.

me ( not handling affair ) to my friend ( also not wield thing ): I conceive you handled it perfectly

18.

Did n’t see I was dogsitting a child PRINCE

19.

so nobody want to do a second pass on the name , huhpic.twitter.com/iJoWfLO1Yr

20.

i just deleted the iPhone weather app that mf so clueless

21.

customer : I have a question about my accountteller : withdrawal?customer : oh sorry , ah have a question about mah account

22.

My coworker asked me what ’s wrong as if we do n’t work at the same seat .

23.

I love when airlines have fare sales … It ’s like oh hey Cleveland never really thought of you like that but for $ 39 let ’s bump uglies

24.

think about the fratty guy at the Taylor swift concert who , upon walking into a men ’s elbow room full of adult female , sound 🤙 🤠 🤙 “ alright ! Gender NEUTCH ! ”

Don’t miss the funniest tweets by women last week:

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…or the funniest tweets by women in May!

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