" I just require a workweek where I do n’t have to placate a crying child , or stop the toddler from endure into traffic , or care about everyone else ’s adept metre while sacrificing my own . "
Being a parent is HARD WORK. And more often than not — hate to say it, but it’s true — most of that workfalls on the momif the parents are in a heterosexual relationship.
With that in mind, shouldn’t the person who’s doing most of the work be entitled to a little break once in a while? That’s exactly what Reddit useru/Suspicious_Light_190(or OP; for Original Poster) wanted to know when she asked in theAm I The A-Holesubreddit if she was wrong to ask for aweek-long vacationaway from her partner and three kids.
Here are the details, according to OP:
“Me and my partner are in a disagreement. He thinks I’m selfish for considering this. I don’t think I am. He suggested I post here to see what you all say.”
“We have been together 12 years. My partner has two responsibilities in terms of the house. He walks thedogsin the morning, and he goes to work full-time (8 a.m. to 6 p.m.). More often than not, he falls asleep at 8 p.m. He works in IT. We have three children (7, 4, and 2) and I am fully responsible for their care, as well as every household duty, laundry, cooking, and cleaning. I am a stay-at-home mom, but I am also self-employed, so after I look after the children all day, I then work for a couple of hours on my laptop.”
“My birthday is coming up. I asked my partner what he would think if I booked myself a vacation, for a week, on my birthday and went on my own. Then, if he could use his PTO to take time off to look after and spend the week with our three children — taking them to school and taking care of the house.”
This is where OP’s husband really showed who he is as a partner and a father: “He told me I was selfish. I asked, ‘It’s selfish to want to go on holiday for a week for my birthday?’ He said yes.”
In case you weren’t fuming yet, OP then goes into more detail on how little her partner helps day-to-day. “My partner hasn’t done a load of laundry in ten years. He cooks dinner ‘occasionally’ (2 times a month). He doesn’t vacuum, mop, or mow lawns. I get it, he’s tired and he works full time, but I work too, and I don’t feel appreciated. I just want a week where I don’t have to placate a crying child, or stop the toddler from running into traffic, or worry about everyone else’s good time while sacrificing my own.”
“The last time I spent time away from the children/house was when we went out for dinner for his birthday in March (After they were asleep. I organized the babysitter). Oh, and my pap smear, which he tried to make me take the children to even though he was home. The holiday would be paid for entirely by me. He gets 28 days of PTO, not including bank holidays. Last year, he lost 12 PTO days because he didn’t take them.”
OP’s experience speaks to something moms face on nearly an everyday basis. The bottom line is that, generally speaking, moms tend to do the bulk ofhousehold duties and emotional laborinvolved in parenting. And as a result, it’s way morefun and manageableto be a dad than it is a mom, and moms end up being"grateful"when dads do literally anything at all. It’s a messed up system and a literal nightmare!!! And it’s 100% on fathers to step up and make things more equal.
" You ’re not a stay - at - home plate mum . You have a part time job . Your division of dwelling house labor is insanely unbalanced , and all of it fall to you . Of course your husband resist to get you take a holiday , he ’d have to actually lift a fingerbreadth to parent his own minor if you did .
Please , for your own sake , book that vacation and inform him you will be going . Perhaps if he had to do a fraction of everything you ’d done for age , he ’d finally see how unfair he ’s been to you . "
— u / Sea_Rise_1907
Another suggested that she try and make her partner see the actual dollar value of her labor, because it’s A LOT.
" Just the childcare you ’re doing is a full - clock time job with children those ages . contribute to that you ’re doing all the housework , all of the cooking ( two clip a month is not frequent ) , AND 2 + hours of self - utilisation figure out from home . It sound like you have multiple full - time jobs , while he has one . Consider price out what it would cost to have someone do your study full - time as an experimentation . How much would it cost to charter a nanny for three minor of those ages full - fourth dimension ? How much would it cost to engage a maid to discharge the firm job you do ? How much would hiring a lawn service price ? How much would having a home Captain Cook , or having meal cede every Clarence Shepard Day Jr. price ? Do you take the air the dogs outside of the prison term he does in the morning ? If so , bring it to the list .
Those are the costs of your project . That ’s what the two of you salvage by you doing that workplace . There ’s a enough hypothesis those labor costs would cost more money than he makes , and the hours those multitude would call for to work to complete the work you are doing easy sum more than the hours he ’s redact in at the role and walking the dogs in the morning . This does n’t even include whatever you make at the work - from - home occupation you do after dinner . "
— u / internethussy
Some suggested couples therapy to try and work out a more equal partnership…
" I ’m not sure you need a vacation as much as you want couples therapy , tbh . This sounds like a hugely unfair apparatus and no wonder you are feeling so burn out . He ’s not pulling his weight at all here — fathom all draining to be matrimonial to a partner who does so small and apparently is willing to do so little more ( take your kids to an invasive aesculapian tryout ? ! No thanks ) . I think you require to address that underlie effect . "
— u / WelshBogart
…and others just straight up said, “divorce.”
" Use that money to get a divorcement , get 50/50 custody so while he ’ll be fight in his weeks with the kids , you have time to work , go on vacation , and do whatever you want .
Right now , he ’s just an extra child who does n’t contribute anything . IT is not a labor - intensive , physical job . He wo n’t die from doing laundry or cooking dinner . But you are enable him , which you demand to stop doing .
Do n’t ask him if you’re able to go out , go on vacation , or whatever — tell him . They ’re his Thomas Kid , too , and if he ca n’t hold out one workweek alone with them , that ’s whole his problem .
Stop doing his wash , making his intellectual nourishment , and doing other task for him . If he does n’t like it , he can give . "
— atomic number 92 / Lady_Lovecraft89
And for more drama-filled stories — like the woman who eviscerated a guy formanspreadinga plane — clickhere.
