" you’re able to tell it ’s bedtime when the kid start blaming each other for it being bedtime , as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quick for the other . " — @Tobi_Is_Fab
It’s June already, which means it’s time to panic over how to entertain a bunch of kids for the next three months…OR you can distract yourself with these hysterical tweets by parents.
Just rule my child ’s absent library book with two days left in the school class so mayhap I should purchase a drawing just the ticket
And make sure you follow all these hilarious parents on Twitter!
1.
When my 2yo does n’t need to talk any longer , she end the conversation with “ happy birthday ” and walks away wave bye .
2.
Please help , my kid keep threatening to teach me cheat
3.
Mid - tantrum , 6yo paused to write MAMA and DADA , then crossed out both words . appal by his own cruelness , he collapse the Sir Frederick Handley Page muttering “ not nice of me . ”
4.
Toddlers are cute until they come out with sentence like , “ He ’s our bounder , we ’re not gon na cook him ” , and then they ’re terrifying
5.
I offer at my kids ’ school and a preschooler told me “ my mama used to have two butts , but now she just has one . ” I did n’t know how to be like “ tell me more about your mom ’s butt ” without getting kicked off campus . It haunts me to this solar day that I do n’t have more inside information .
6.
6yo : Momma , close your eye ! I have a surprise!Me : OK , but I do n’t require a nude butt in my face when I open them.6yo : Nevermind .
7.
You should clear up that Little Red Riding Hood was wearing other dress IN ADDITION TO the hood when telling the storyI know this nowpic.twitter.com/ybXCOOdG5Q
8.
5yo ; “ Mommy , I think when I get up , I might vary my name to a full-grown name because my name is a little kid ’s name . mayhap I ’ll utilise my mediate name . My name is such a babe name ! I desire a grown up name when I ’m a grown up . ”Reader , his name is HARVEY .
9.
I was play doctor with my kid and she order me a potato
10.
My daughter left a full glass of Milk River on the stairs and in a ~shocking twist~ the milk got kicked over and there is milk everywhere and she is crying because she was still drink that . pay back ta feel spoilt for her , there ’s no way anyone could have predicted that outcome .
11.
parent when you inquire how their family vacation waspic.twitter.com/TvevxQOLfo
12.
Psyched to see my kid ’s demonstration at schoolhouse so I can see out all the projects the parent did .
13.
At 4 my daughter win over her pre - k class that her pappa was eaten by a shark . We are a 2 mom phratry ( never a dad in the exposure ) . Several kids were crying as they run to the teachers . Did n’t find out about it until the last day of schooltime months later . Now she ’s a theater kid . 😏
14.
The mom from “ 5 Little Monkeys Jumping on the Bed ” should be happy they ’re actually get recitation instead of sit around playact on their earpiece .
15.
When my daughter was in first grade she assure her teacher ‘ My Mom keeps dead babies in the closet ’ . I was mortified when I discover out . Luckily the instructor knew I taught cpr so understood my daughter ’s assertion .
16.
how to market bottled water to dadspic.twitter.com/hmqRRIYDOJ
17.
9y / o : Oliver invited me to his bday party … I asked him what he wanted … he said a casing of Prime . married man : A case of Prime ? You mean , the energy drink?9y / o : Yea … He like Meta Moon . married man : Okie Dokie … [under his breath ] And now we be intimate which friend ’s gon na sell the undecomposed weed
18.
- trying to sound cool to my son at dinner party * bruh these veggie be salutary AF
19.
My nestling ’s preferent piddling square hasheesh brown were out of stock certificate and now he has to rust slightly bigger square hash browns , so please abide by our privacy during this difficult time
20.
at last get a leg up on evolution.pic.twitter.com/PMBcM90emm
21.
Nobody : Nobody : Absolutely nobody : My kid : as soon as we get home I ’m gon na get defenseless and calculate at my butt
22.
My three twelvemonth old just asked me “ why do mamas cry sometimes ” and like how much clip does she have
23.
My shaver have grow taller and they ’re just now let on that the understanding I ’ve been getting them their snacks and pledge all these old age was because they were too brusk to do it themselves , NOT because I ’m their personal servant . They are not felicitous .
24.
Teens only ask you what your preferent things are to tell you that they breastfeed .
25.
I used to desire my kids to be happy all the time , but then I hear glad screaming is even louder than furious screaming and now I ’m not so certain .
26.
My husband surprise my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an entertainment parking area and the kid was unbalanced because he was in the middle of a math worksheet . 😂
27.
My son demand me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion year previous . To which he then asked , “ Ok so , how old were you when it was born?”So if anyone asks , I imagine I ’m 4 billion and 40 eld sometime .
28.
my five yr onetime texted me and I imagine I did n’t text back quickly enoughpic.twitter.com/k5aBhqwoeL
29.
My girl , wearing a sweatshirt and covered in a blanket when it ’s almost summer:“I’m hot ”
30.
“ I ’ll profess I ’m a really honest-to-god momma . Like 24 . ” -a third grader at the commons that just made a sworn enemy
31.
Life begins the day all the nipper can put on their own sunscreen .
32.
10 : pop , close your eyes and open your mouthme : well that ’s definitely a no .
33.
11 : In theatre when mass secern you to break a stage it ’s because they desire you to get in a mold . Me : Ok George Carlin just get your shoes on .
34.
At the parking area and my son is playing soccer w/ a child nominate Kevin . I ’ve never get together a child name Kevin before . Kinda just thought Kevins only add up in grownup form … ya experience like pigeons
35.
Did you nurse ? Independent dairy owner and operator . Formula feed and wash off a million bottles a solar day ? Mixologist with food safety credentials .
36.
I have the same birthday as my female parent - in - law , and my 5yo take if we ’re twins . He ’s prosperous he ’s adorable .
37.
a zillion parenting books out there and not one about deal your African tea ’s jealousy over the new babypic.twitter.com/Uq2dwC7yg2
38.
we pay for 13 to go to Dollywood with a protagonist all mean solar day yesterday and today he ’s thanking us by being a huge asshole .
39.
My 5yo just came in and announced his betrothal to the neighbor girlUnrelatedly , 10 Min ago he fall in crying because she had punched him “ in the nut ”
40.
5 - class - previous : venture what ? Today in school someone ’s EYE broke unresolved . Me : What???5 - yr - old : I ’m done severalize this story .
41.
The opposite of ' taking candy from a sister ' is ' putting sunscreen on a toddler ' .
42.
I was on the sound with my parents and I brought up how I ’m bring up other than than they did , so they became justificative say “ Well , look how well you turned out ” and I pick up my married woman express joy all the way from Target .
43.
say my child in my daytime , if I missed an episode of a show , might have await year to see it againHe looked at me like I ’d just showed him prison house tattoos
44.
one-half of parenting is just go for they forget this idea before Christmas
45.
My genius keep trying to rick this into a country songpic.twitter.com/dOhrAhefxe
46.
Moms lie with swap childbirth stories like old cat severalise warfare stories at the VFW , except this is over oatmilk lattes and the whole café cause to hear who had the higher level tear
47.
i was upset with my 10 yo over something originally and he said to me " you ’re just unrestrained because you know you do n’t even have $ 5,000 dollars . " i was n’t . but shit , now i am .
48.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my girl ’s bed from her late nighttime snack and I ’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
49.
- packing suitcases*kid 1 : stuffed animals , toy cellular telephone in side pocketkid 2 : stick
50.
you could tell it ’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime , as if each brother magically and maliciously made prison term pass more quickly for the other
Don’t miss last week’s funniest tweets by parents:
25 uproarious Parents Who pull Absolutely No Punches On Twitter
…and check out these hilarious parenting stories!
" I Wanna Pull Your orb Out And Look Through Them " : parent Are portion out The Most unbalanced Thing Their Kids Said With Zero Elaboration
These 23 People Did n’t Realize Their Childhood Habits Were Super Weird Until Their partner Was Like " WTF Are You Doing ? ! " 👀 👀 👀
