" Getting married in the really olden time was so nuts it was like bye mom bye daddy see you guys literally never again . I ’ll be two Swedish mile forth . " — @historicalfits
It’s June already, which means it’s time to celebrate Pride…and catch up on these hysterical tweets by women!
All you need is lovepic.twitter.com/fLI3pi301A
Make sure you follow all these hilarious ladies on Twitter!
1.
On a date at my favourite eatery - while my appointment was up I got chatting to the server and mentioned I wish to fetch dates here . He say “ I ’ve noticed . This one has brownish haircloth ! Bit of a change . ” 💀 💀 💀
2.
gf seek to invalidate her gymnasium membership ( we ’ve moved ) and the gym mortal was like " why ? ur partner has n’t cancelled hers . she was in this morning . is everything o.k. ? " like ok ms thirsty for gossip
3.
This guy wire told me we matched in 2020 and I was like await really ? And then he say this : pic.twitter.com/o9w8yZHNWN
4.
My dad left me what I thought was a ring in his will . It was sort of small and as I was trying to get it on my fingerbreadth he goes " Oh . It ’s not a ring , it ’s your Feast of the Circumcision prepuce . We had it bronzed " .
5.
( CN Milk River for my fellow Milk River - averse folks , but the reason I ca n’t watch ppl drink milk is my pappa used to finish his grain , walk his leftover milk bowling ball to the sink , satisfy it with HOT WATER and GARGLE IT and I had to listen to this every day of my childhood , it was fucking FOUL )
6.
i tell the bus driver he was hot when i dumbfound off the busbar because sprightliness ’s scant but now he ’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
7.
I ’ve thought long and hard and I can not imagine anything worse than this.pic.twitter.com/evPHLgM4B1
8.
I told my husband I ’m buy the farm to publish off everything for my online year because I ’m having trouble restrain it all organized when it ’s just online , and he asked if I wanted a arena of Werther ’s . 😩
9.
Can we please get some former celebrity to say shocking but excellent matter or else of just announcing they ’re frightful ? Can Dame Judy Dench to be like “ pegging is an essential part of a glad marriage ”
10.
kinda lose baby sitting sometimes … the last little lady friend i take care of used to squeeze me to make tik toks with her and then cyberbully mepic.twitter.com/15VrDg5b7 g
11.
i ’ve had sexual practice with one british guy and he went “ ooo that ’s endearing ” the whole fuckin timehttps://t.co/poJ5CjAeRo
12.
my friend once go to the infirmary for intoxicant poisoning and he came back to our dormitory the next morning still intoxicated bragging about how he got the nurse number . so we all called bull and asked him to show us and he pulled up her physical contact and the number was just " 8 "
13.
When my 2yo does n’t want to talk any longer , she ends the conversation with “ happy birthday ” and walks away undulate bye .
14.
the taylor blue-belly matty healy thing is already funny bc you make out when it ’s all over and we get the inevitable breakup song it ’s gon na be like london rain , windowpane , i m insane …. you were saying slurs in the cafe but i still enjoy You
15.
Greta Gerwig getting her former Barnard schoolfellow Kate McKinnon to have up a Birkenstock in Barbie is the most sapphic thing I have ever seenpic.twitter.com/jjN1CgSytD
16.
Once , my mom ’s friend Linda saw that I ’d put ginger in her apple pie formula and she messaged me on Facebook to say , " I see you slutted up my apple pie . " And I retrieve about that scuttlebutt a deal .
17.
You know that trick about mordant people always running whenever they see someone else running ? My mommy told me that she saw my computerized tomography persist like a bat out of hell across the keep room and was like “ I was about to get up and consort too , damn . ” 😭 she do n’t know about zoomies .
18.
remember when daredevil , who is unreasoning , watch out his girlfriend sopor , with his eyes , which are blindpic.twitter.com/R3imNnoj9a
19.
My phone just film a 2 time of day infotainment about life inside my pocket .
20.
every foodstuff store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
21.
17 year old girls on tik tok : me and my protagonist have been wearing a lot of off white-hot and light John Brown :) perhaps with some silver gray jewelry :) we love being vanilla extract cold brew girls :) 32 twelvemonth old man on twitter reposting a screenshot of the picture : has civilization gone to far
22.
dad trying to cushion the blow of everyone have to pay for their own Netflix nowpic.twitter.com/4E9Ku5Uk4 T
23.
there should be like a second saddle horn on your car for when the light is green and the somebody in front of you is n’t going bc they ’re on their sound but you ’re not like unhinged about it . hi bestie i lie with you beep bleep it ’s drive time
24.
love old American movies ’ visual language where it ’s trying to show ‘ this guy cable ’s lose it ! he ’s disturbed ! he ’s all out of control and might do anything ’ and it ’s a totally normal cat wearing a three piece suit except he has one lock of hair’s-breadth out of shoes and he ’s not wearing a hat
25.
One thing they teach in breast feeding school is when your affected role is being question by law , to maltreat in with “ that ’s enough for today , he needs to remain ” right after he gives a fundamental piece of data , but one sentence myopic of him telling the whole story .
26.
I just unintentionally uploaded this rather of my invoice on a ship’s company ’s invoicing portal site and I ca n’t delete itpic.twitter.com/Bxg8RRy4 ha
27.
My girlfriend is wearing snap pants to bed so I assume at 3 am “ y’ all ready for this ” is gon na blare through the bedroom and she ’s gon na sprint out a burrow and pass a small ball to a child
28.
i hate when adults say “ tummy . ” i m a produce up . it ’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
29.
5yo ; “ Mommy , I think when I grow up , I might alter my name to a grownup name because my name is a small shaver ’s name . Maybe I ’ll use my halfway name . My name is such a babe name ! I want a grown up name when I ’m a grow up . ”Reader , his name is HARVEY .
30.
my five twelvemonth old texted me and I guess I did n’t text back speedily enoughpic.twitter.com/k5aBhqwoeL
31.
If man do n’t wanna be tempt by seeing women in yoga pants , they should probably consider getting their oculus or centre gouged out as the Bible says .
32.
the best part of set out a new job is all 4 of your grandparent are active again .
33.
Half the “ rudest celeb I ever met ” taradiddle are like “ this tv star threw a phone book at my head and called me a spot ” and the other half are “ I corner a singer in the lavatory and he would n’t make a TikTok for my niece ! ! ! ! ! ! ”
34.
Oh Buddy . You ’ve done more than make them think about it . You ’ve bonded them forever in a mathematical group textual matter where one of them will divvy up a wedding party photo or promotion intelligence and one of the others will say “ i do n’t jazz , SMELLS LIKE FAILURE . ” And then they ’ll all snuff it laughing.pic.twitter.com/Di1M62gZuN
35.
opine about when i sour at the docs storehouse and a man was trying on red boots and his wife was like “ those call too much attention ” and he looked discomfited so I said “ everybody take attending ” and get stand by in a metaphysical taffy pull from the way they both looked at me
36.
[ at the mall]Me : nice rackMy husband : keep your voice downMe : * staring at the Adidas in Foot Locker * what ?
37.
just loooove it when a cat that looks like it ’s wear windsock is named Socks . very straightforward , never begin honest-to-goodness , always has that Jeni Se Qkwuouagh
38.
dramatic play in the school whatsapp New World chat ! the PTA ask for us all to a investiture company and one of the dads ( who ’s a professor of colonial history ) suppose eat my dick
39.
miscommunication plot can be fun when it halt from the characters ' implicit in differences alternatively of uhh sorry bro that extremely loud train suddenly passed by when you were making that womb-to-tomb confession and i have a dental practitioner engagement rn so i gtg tell me about it by and by tho
40.
entropy U C C E S S I O Npic.twitter.com/TGp7mSRKUK
41.
honeymooner : What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine . Married 10 days : You ’re sitting in the dog ’s spot .
42.
The flight of stairs attendant inform me that a homo from the back asked if he could sit in the empty seat next to me . She said “ and before you answer , I took a picture of him for you to decide 😏 ” Black cleaning lady help oneself shameful women 🤝 🏽
43.
getting married in the really olden times was so nuts it was like bye mom bye papa see you guys literally never again . I ’ll be two mile away
44.
thinking about the guy who play BOB on " Twin Peaks " & how he was initially a placed dresser … imagine showing up to work , wandering into a shot by accident & the boss is like " you are so scary & revolting that this tv show is about you now "
45.
you could narrate she fucked all her admirer married man and does n’t have any left because a veridical champion would have burnt this top!!!https://t.co / vYMo6XwIWO
46.
When a woman has her husband ’s last name , my first premiss is that they got tie in their XX . I feel like by your XXX , you ’ve dead maxed out on paperwork .
47.
48.
repast prepping is crucial for take warm and easy access to something i would rather die than deplete
49.
video is such a sinewy medium . The phrasal idiom ‘ moderate to severe plaque psoriasis ’ has been rattling around in my head since I was like four
50.
i ’ll see your " live joke honey " sign and lift you an " ew , people"pic.twitter.com/1UvXKcnAqr
Don’t miss last week’s funniest tweets by women:
Area Man Jealous That His lady friend Laughed Harder At These 25 Tweets By Women Than Every Joke He ’s Ever say
…or the funniest tweets by women in April!
You ’ll Positively Die express mirth At The 50 Funniest Tweets By Women Last Month
